If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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