i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
