This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
