I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Drunk is a universal language darling
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
