we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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