So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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