I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
