They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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