Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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