All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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