Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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