Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
