last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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