they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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