literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
