I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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