I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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