Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
