I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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