I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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