im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I believe in your delicious
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
