Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
