There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
