The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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