It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
