cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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