I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
