I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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