I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
