my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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