i wish my penis had a tongue
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
