I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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