I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
