we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
