He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
