The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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