I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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