You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
