everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We have started to decorate penises.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
