Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
