life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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