i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
