mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
