I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm like, not good at living.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
