No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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