it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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