drinking out of a sandbucket again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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