Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
