Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
