textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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