Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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