I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
