He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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