Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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