I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
