I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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