dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
