I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
